Crap jokes for Friday

• I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
  
• The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
  
• I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
  
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
  
• I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
  
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
  
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
  
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.