The human courtship ritual..

Here's a bit of fun for Friday, think about the kinds of things that a Woman or a Man should *not* do on a first "internet" date (or any kind of date really); apparently, according to the experts here is a list of mistakes that Women make..

• They talk about cats, self-help books and soap operas; to men, this indicates the beginnings of insanity.
• They talk about past relationships; ex (body building) boyfriends etc., the ultimate turn-off..
• Dress either too sluttily, or turn up disguised as Margaret Thatcher.
• Boast about highly paid jobs and famous friends; this sets an unrealistic bar, men need to impress.
• Get drunk and emotional. (I would add that throwing up is frowned on unless its a competition :)
• Talk about marriage and babies precipitously; men like to feel that marriage is their idea, even if it's not.
• They give mixed messages; if you like a man, say so, if you don’t, politely retreat.

Of course being a married person (or in a stable relationship) you can look at this and laugh (nervously) whilst secretly thinking "I'm glad it's not me!". I'd add a couple more things to this list (hypothetically of course),

• Ordering no food and spending the whole meal nicking chips off my plate.
• Bringing their mothers along (or psycho friends)
• Going to the ladies every 15 minutes (what are they doing in there?)
• Thinly disguised obsession with handbags and/or shoes (just says, high maintenance!)
• Texting friends every 10 minutes to let them know how it's going

For men of course the issues are perhaps more obvious, the whole process being a complete mystery to most of us. Here's what the experts say Men commonly do wrong,

• They lie on their profiles, about everything, height, interests, job, age, marital status, children...
• If you’re overweight and 50 don’t expect a warm response form a 23-year-old
• They are too pushy, interrupting, not listening, taking over and generally being obnoxious
• They use (unfunny) sexual innuendo: e.g. to girl who likes fishing: “Will you hold my rod?” etc.
• They don’t always bother with innuendo, they confuse dating with getting laid.
• They are shy. A bit shy is cute, too shy is weird

I'd add a couple more, not from personal experience you understand but some things a good friend told me he did once..

• Pretend to know stuff that you don't (they can smell fear!)
• They don't ask any questions, just rabbit on about themselves
• Complain about the cost of the dish she chooses, apparently that's bad form?
• Drink too much or get into a fight, apparently this is frowned on?

I'm sure everyone has a stack of these...