Monday, November 18, 2013

Snuff movies

I noticed the other day that Russell Crow is starring in a new movie about a very old story!

Noah, the ultimate snuff movie, where not just the guy wearing the red tunic gets taken out but our whole planet and every single creature in it! That's right, were're talking major extinction event and the only way life on Earth is going to survive is by some bloke in a frock building an infeasibly large wooden boat and loading it with every creature and plant there is (yeah, yeah I know, the cynics out there are thinking, what, including blue whales, giant redwoods and 400,000 different species of beetles?). I don't need to dwell on the vapidity of the plot, it always was a ridiculous story and no matter how much CGI is thrown in it's still going to be nonsense.

What would have made the whole thing much more interesting would have been to introduce some new characters, like an evil overlord from the future (played by Mike Myers) who is remains hidden in orbit but mischievously beams ridiculous commands (i.e. stone naughty children to death) into the minds of people for maximum sadistic laughs, thereby causing violence and mayhem for millennia. All this just so he can watch the primitive monkey-men run around sucking up to invisible beings and killing each other for believing in the wrong imaginary man in the sky. You could also have one of those brain-bending circular time paradoxes where the evil overlord turns out to be some future political leader called Maximus Yahweh, who's setting the whole thing up to ensure that his ancestors (the Yahweh believing ones) are the ones who seize power and thrive eventually begating the evil Yahweh himself.. hold on a minute!

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