Friday, January 20, 2017

Goop guff

Here's a funny story I noticed today.. "Goop", the online health and beauty store owed by actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling $66 jade "eggs" that, assuming you are female, are to be inserted into your vagina for extended periods (pun?) in order to experience a number of health benefits.

The website claims that if you stick a green rock up your fanny then you will ...

-Increase orgasms (involuntarily?)
-Tighten and tone (what?)
-Prevent uterine prolapse (sounds painful)
-Increase bladder control (always a bonus)
-Clear "chi" pathways (cup of chi anyone?)
-Intensify feminine energy (God help us)
-Create kidney strength (my kidneys smell just fine?)
-Increase sexual potency (oo-er missus)
-Get better skin (fewer zits, bigger twits?)

Not an insignificant set of claims there (and there are more!) I particularly like the linking of bladder control to sexual potency, clearly some kind of deep-seated female anxiety? Is there any actual evidence for these claims, of course not, but I have no doubt that there are plenty of gullible people queuing up to grease a green goolie. So, in summary, only 70 bucks (+post and "packing") and you can look like the woman in the comic book picture above, do people actually fall for this stuff?

I do wonder why these new-age crystal hugging morons seem to have a fascination with "inserting" things into their holes? What with Prince Charles sticking coffee beans up his bum and Gwyneth with her "eggs" do they not worry about rattling like a pocket full of loose change when they run down the stairs? Not to mention what must be the constant anxiety that there may be "fall-out"..

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