Aries | March 21 to April 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable TV bill in months.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your beloved cats Oscar, Sophie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a litre of Diet Coke for each meal.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynaecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
**From the splendid Onion of course...